The Hidden Danger of Expectations: Self-Reflect Before You Demand

We all have expectations—of our friends, family, partners, even strangers. It’s easy to believe that the people closest to us should just ‘get us,’ that they should know what we need, when we need it. And more often than not, we get angry when those expectations are met and the relationship quickly deteriorates.

The truth is, expectations without self-reflection can lead to disappointment and strain in our relationships. If we don’t take the time to understand our own motivations, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming others should meet our needs without fully understanding theirs. In this post, let’s explore why proper self-reflection is key to managing expectations, and how we can use it to create more compassionate and understanding connections.

Question to Ask Yourself

Are these expectations realistic?

Are they based on the other person’s capabilities or circumstances?

Or are they more about us—what we believe we deserve, how we’ve been conditioned by past experiences, or the ways we ourselves might react in similar situations?

Sad Woman

For example, I have a hard time with attachmenet – I’m anxious. If someone texts me, I make it a priority to respond quickly so they don’t feel the same anxiety I would feel. Therefore, I expect the same reaction. If I text them and don’t get the same speedy response, I’m anxious, irritated, and often frustrated. It doesn’t take long for me to fall into the spiral–they don’t love me. I’m too much work. I’ve upset them. She’s online, why isn’t she talking to me?

In order to stop this dangerous thought process, I needed to ask myself – Am I being realistic? What is the driving motiviation behind this expectation? And is he capable of meeting this expectation?

By taking a moment to reflect, we can begin to unravel whether our expectations are truly appropriate or whether we’re projecting our own needs onto someone else. This awareness can lead to healthier relationships, as it allows us to adjust our expectations in a way that aligns with reality rather than an idealized version of it.

Self-Reflection and Accountability

Now comes the hard part. Expectations often come easily, but taking accountability for them is hard. Self-reflection plays a crucial role in understanding the “why” behind our expectations and helping us recognize our role in shaping our relationships. Without proper self-reflection, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of blaming others when our expectations aren’t met, instead of examining whether those expectations were fair or realistic in the first place.

One of the first steps toward accountability is being honest with ourselves. Ask questions like, Why do I expect this from someone else? Is it rooted in an unspoken desire for validation, a fear of rejection, or something from my past that hasn’t healed? Many times, we realize that our expectations stem from our personal insecurities or assumptions about how others should behave to make us feel comfortable. Recognizing this can be uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary step toward better relationships.

I realized that my expectation came from a deep fear of abandonment, and it was unfair to force that onto my partner. They have a demanding manual job, kids, business, family, and many other responsibilities that compete for their attention. Plus, they’re not naturally a very expressive or affectionate person. Expecting instant, thoughtful responses wasn’t fair—to them or to me. Self-reflection helped me see that a delayed response wasn’t their failure, but rather an unrealistic expectation I had because of my own internal fears. Understanding this has allowed me to adjust and work on it.

Accountability also means recognizing that we can’t control others, only ourselves. When expectations are unmet, instead of immediately blaming the other person, consider how you contributed to the situation. Did you express your needs clearly? Was your expectation fair given the other person’s circumstances or capacity? (Tattoo this on my arm please!) Accountability means owning your side of the relationship dynamic and understanding that, while others have a role in meeting us halfway, it’s our responsibility to articulate what we need and be understanding if they can’t always deliver.

This doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings when expectations aren’t met. Your feelings are valid, but accountability helps you navigate them in a way that strengthens your relationships instead of harming them. It allows you to communicate more openly, adjust your expectations to be more realistic, and show empathy toward the other person’s situation.

Conclusion

So, when you’re in the heat of the moment or taking a look back at the day and you feel yourself getting hot and bothered by expectations that you feel weren’t met, take a deep breath. Remember to reflect on what you wanted and what you expected and how you communicated that. And then hold yourself accountable, so you can move forward and make tomorrow that much better.

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