You’ve found “your person.” There’s spark. There’s humor. There’s excitement. And then the honeymoon stage wears off.
Day 1: Communication feels normal.
Day 2: Communication is slower.
Day 4: He takes a little longer to reply to your messages. You start to wonder if you’ve done something wrong, but you brush it off. Anxiety creeps in. Sending a message makes your heart race. You find yourself sending more and more messages. He has to reply eventually, right?
Day 7: He doesn’t reply at all. You know he sees your calls and reads your messages. You send a few more.
Day 10: He finally tells you he’s struggling. A lot has come at him, nothing is going right. He needs distance. Space. Time alone. You feel panic. This isn’t how it should be. You should be a couple, communicating openly and supporting each other. But that’s not how this feels. Maybe he’s seeing someone else. Maybe he’s tired of you and doesn’t know how to let you down. Panic sets in, and you’re at a loss for what to do.
What could be happening here, is a difference in attachment styles. There are three primary attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: This person feels confident and comfortable in their relationship and boundaries. He has his interests, hobbies, and routines, and you have yours. At the end of the day, you both trust that you have each other and don’t fear losing interest or breaking up.
- Avoidant Attachment: This person values independence and can become distant when things feel too close. They may have learned not to rely on others from a young age, making it hard for them to express themselves. The more someone wants to be close, the harder it can be for them to open up.
- Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment: This person craves closeness and intimacy. They feel most comfortable when their partner is quick to respond to messages and calls but have high anxiety levels around their relationships. This may stem from past experiences, possibly rooted in childhood.
As a reference, I have a classic anxious/preoccupied attachment style, while my partner has an avoidant attachment style. It’s been a rocky ride, but I’m slowly getting better at accepting our differences and giving him the space he needs. Here are a few things I’d like to pass along:
For the avoidant:
- Be Understanding: If your partner is anxious, try to understand that their ultimate goal is to love and support you. They may have experienced significant loss in their life, and they want to avoid that with you.
- Open Up Slowly: Use your words to communicate your need for time to process what you’re feeling, doing, or thinking. If your partner is anxious, this will go a long way in comforting them.
For the anxious:
- Practice Self-Regulation: Find ways to calm yourself without relying solely on your partner for reassurance. Journaling, finding a hobby, or taking a break from social media can help (this was my biggest downfall—I would check Facebook all day long to see if he was active online, which only made me feel worse because he wasn’t reaching out to me).
- Love Yourself: Build your self-esteem however you can. Find your worth outside of the relationship. Build a support system to offer you the reassurance and affirmation you were seeking from your partner.
Working Together
There are things you can do together to help alleviate the push/pull dynamic in your relationship:
- Set Boundaries: Maybe it’s not three calls a day. Maybe it’s one call. Establish a routine that expresses meaning—like sending kiss-face emojis. I send one; he replies with two. I’m all set; he’s good.
- Recognize Patterns: There’s usually a trigger that sets off the spiral. For us, it’s when he starts feeling overwhelmed with home life. When that happens, I know he’s going to shut down. When I’m stressed, I need constant reassurance that he still loves me.
By recognizing these patterns, I can take a step back and self-regulate. I know everything is okay; he just needs time to find his balance again. I can give him the support and space he needs. He finds it harder to give me the reassurance I need when my anxiety flares, but we’re working on it.
There may come a point in your relationship when you need to assess whether you can continue the push/pull of an anxious/avoidant attachment style relationship. It’s not for everyone. It’s okay to admit to yourself—and each other—that your needs aren’t being met and to move on. I haven’t reached that point yet. Some days, I wonder…but I’m not quite ready.
